I don’t mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that’s how it comes...– Bill Hicks
legendofkfc: can obama pull an fdr and be in office for a shitload of years because i love him too much to let him not rule my country
Batman: Hey I'm going to disappear for 8 years.
Bruce Wayne: Hey I'm going to disappear for 8 years.
People of Gotham: Shut up Bruce, we're trying to figure out who Batman is.
Batman: I'M BACK!
Bruce Wayne: ME TOO.
People of Gotham: NO ONE CARES BRUCE. WHO THE FUCK IS BATMAN?
richwhitelesbian: i can smell him everywhere cause he’s so filthy and any time i ask him to carry anything he just drops it really hard. My dubstepbrother is the worst
sometimes i’m afraid spanish people don’t hablo what i’m saying when i’m talking to them so i add in a few words en espanol to help them understand what i’m tortilla
fuchikoma: One time this girl I fucked was teasing me in front of her friends about how I pulled out and came all over myself and one of her friends was like “you got slimed yo better call ghostbusters”
nsrrenard: DO YOU EVER WANT TO REPLY TO SOMEONES POST JOKINGLY AND SHARE A GOOD LAUGH WITH THEM BUT YOU’RE REALLY NOT SURE IF THEY’D TAKE IT AS A JOKE OR NOT CAUSE YOU DON’T REALLY TALK BUT YOU’VE GOT THIS NICE LITTLE MUTUAL FOLLOW THING GOING FOR YOU SO YOU STARE AT THE REPLY AND QUICKLY DELETE IT AND THROW YOURSELF TO THE FLAMING PITS OF HELL
kotobarusansama: one MILLION YEARS DUNGEON!!!!!!
riddlemehiddleston: cat-adores-loki: anearlywitch: Also, thank you, all of you for not giving any The Dark Knight Rises spoilers, y’all are amazing. bruce wayne is batman son of a bitch
Hillary Clinton on what designers she wears:
Interviewer: Okay. Which designers do you prefer?
Hillary Clinton: What designers of clothes?
Hillary Clinton: Would you ever ask a man that question?
Interviewer: Probably not. Probably not.
wizcoylifa: A bee keeper with terrible amnesia walks out into his backyard. “WHY THE FUCK ARE THERE SO MANY BEES OUT HERE” he screams in terror.
hurpaderp: my mom likes to play this game called yell from four rooms away and get upset when I can’t hear her #bonus round: i do hear her and i actually answer four or five times and i hear nothing but silence back
Call Me Maybe starts playing on the radio
me: oh my god not again
me: I THREW A WISH IN THE WELL DON'T ASK ME I'LL NEVER TELL
edgur: i just saw a vegan put a trigger warning on a picture of chicken wings
shackleford: the womens gymnastics team looks so bitchy like would it kill you to smile maybe or not walk like an angry robot
Normally moms are like ready to shank you when you step on their kids but she...– my brother after stepping on a toddler yesterday (via dongcity)
buttpower: you never really know someone until you play uno with them and the motherfuckin asshole hits you with a draw four
polosforhomos: inthehangingtree: neverbirds: getnothingdone: has anyone noticed we brits literally take nothing seriously #we parachuted our queen into the olympic stadium #we made hundreds of Mary Poppins’ battle Voldemort is it a little late to bring in the boston tea party because you guys took that pretty harsh
troyyy: Everyone is talking about the queen but beyonce isnt even at the olympics?
Something happens in England
the queen: get Paul McCartney
rockardabs: 180mph: tbh catholicism is stupid cuz ur god is dead and ur bible is unreliable also jesus was a jew pretty much
amandafiske: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST LITERALLY THE FUNNIEST CAT VIDEO TATIANA WHERE ARE YOU
thatsmoderatelyraven: snoop dogg actually changed his name to snoop lion i cant breathe
kodori: what if instead of genitals you had a little door and if someone opened the door youd find a tiny person sleeping in a tiny bed